Hello 2025

My brain is baffled. It is now January 2025. Like whattttttt! 

Happy New Year! 

The last blog entry that I posted I actually started writing in 2022! I hit publish tonight when I was finally logging back into the blog that once served me so well. I figured I may as well just out whatever I had written down into the ethers because I had taken the time to craft it, and for some reason do nothing with it. Regardless, 2022 legitimately feels like a whole other lifetime ago. Reflecting back, a big part of me wants to curl into a small little ball and cry my eyes out, while another part of me feels so grown and shifted, that I have no real desire to actually put myself on the ground and pretend like things aren't happening. I also wonder if I would be able to get my ass up off the ground easily if I was down there. Funny, but sadly accurate for where things are right now. 

I really had hoped to prioritize writing things into this online journal and document that what's been happening and I am not sure how deep I want to go back, but at the same time, the cathartic experience of getting it down, sharing with others, and hopefully connecting really pushes me to want to make this happen. 

Firstly, I need to just write what's heavy on my heart right now.  I miss my Dad. This has been the first Christmas season without him Earthside. My heart hurts and my eyes feel heavy just even thinking about this. How much I have missed hearing Dad's voice on the phone, FaceTime calls with the children, and the time spent together, meals shared, games played, and conversations had. New Year's also, I would've given anything to get a phone call from Dad wishing me a Happy New Years. And then, the special day of our daughters birth, on January 2. Gosh Golly did Dad LOVE being a Grandpa. And honestly, it was one of the biggest blessings in this lifetime to share together. How he has LOVED A since the day she was born, and made the effort to share and grow in life together. Being a parent to a child who embodies all of the best things about both me and hubby has also been a huge blessing. An Angel, as Dad always said. And my, oh my, has he ever been accurate about that. A has a way of bringing out the best in people, and also in being interested in people. She has a way of engaging, loving, and being soft natured that allows a space for relationships to flourish and grow. This was one of the best gifts I have ever received in a relationship with my Dad. Past hurts were able to soften, understanding was able to show up, and growth was able to occur. Things were not perfect, but they were progressive, full of understanding, and softened. One of the biggest blessings in this lifetime of mine for sure.   Dad, Thank You for being patient with me, and for being a big encourager for me in this lifetime, Thank you for loving our children oodles, and for your positive and loving approach to being a Grandpa. I really cannot fathom some days that I do not get the chance to have more face to face conversations with you, and that your departure was so quick. I am beyond grateful that you were surrounded with others, and that you did not suffer, that your transition was quick. I just wish I got to hug and kiss you more and I won't lie that every single time I see an ambulance I can't help but wonder if that was 'your' ambulance. Dad, Grandpa, Daddy-o - I love you forever, and always. I will continue to grow, learn and flourish, and holding on to your memory propels me to understand some lessons and feelings that's I don't think I would have understood otherwise. This is really me also trying to find something beautiful out of this situation that often guts me completely. I love you. 

2023 was also painful for me in regards to being a victim of a severe vehicle accident. I was driving with the three children, heading to an appointment, when the van behind us, who was driving too fast, too close, and what would be described as aggressively, wasn't able to stop in time, and the back and side passenger end of our vehicle became the point of impact. To make it worse, the truck that was following him too closely was unable to stop, and she hit him with full impact, who then hit us a second time. This all happened extremely quickly, and to be honest my head hit the back of the seat, and the front of the steering wheel two times, while I am listening to three frightened children in the back of the vehicle, crying and shrieking, and I could just throw up in going back to that place. We were left dealing with three children with varying injuries, I was unable to lift my left hand/arm/shoulder, severe whiplash, concussion and pain that hasn't left me for over a year. I am thankfully able to use my hand/arm/shoulder - but not without issue, and compromise. I have spent over a year in therapies, too many appointments to track, and learning how to live with a different body, brain, and life. Needless to say, it's been a lot, and this coupled with the grief that has overtaken my life as well. Dad left us Earthside six months and 1 day exactly from the accident. The amount of stress that took place in a short time has forever changed me. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally.  I was so injured that I was unable to lift Dads wheelchair for the last 6 months of his life, and the feelings that swirl around from this are really all over the place. This just hurts so so much and it's almost something I am not able to talk about completely. 

I am so grateful for therapy and counselling as this has been a big part of different aspects of recovery for all of us. My heart hurts thinking about this also, as the counsellor I had been seeing, who was helping me create shifts and understanding had to close her practice due to a cancer diagnosis and this has been hard too, again, for many reasons. I am not in a place where I am wanting a bunch of new relationships and it just feels like the Universe has unlocked something since 2023 where there are these deep, profound and very feel-y changes that keep taking place. 

We have also understood what it's like to have two parents home for the last many months as my husband was let go of his position after 10 years with the company and this has also had a lot of feelings. This coupled with my inability to see clients has really been challenging. 

We have also experience the loss of another very important person in my Moms life, who was also very involved with our life. Another soul, who's husband received a diagnosis in September, with the hopes of a year or longer to live, who left body in two months. Another friend who took their own life. Another friend who had a sick family member that died with assistance. I really honestly feel so sick about all of this and sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. 

Oh, and amongst all of the changes, My Mother, and her two dogs, are also now now living with us. It's been a lot, a massive learning curve, and I have witnessed as things from the past that I thought I had totally dealt with has shown up in a different way and there is all of this to navigate.  There has been so deep family dynamic stuff that's shown up to with my siblings and this has really added some deep layers here and I am trying, oh so hard, to heal and grow and soften with all of this too. 

The loss of our independent family home, employment, body functions, mental health aspects, injured children, my business, essential people in my circle, and and and 

I am also learning to live with a long term brain injury that's a result of the concussion. All while mothering, adult student life, homeschooling, and and and 

We are so grateful to have a spiritual foundation and to have some concepts to cling to, but I have felt a bit like I am in a dark night of the soul. Life has felt in many ways like I am drowning and others keep dripping water over my head making the pool deeper. Some days really are easier than others, and I am finding ways to process everything as much as possible, but I really have never in my life felt the push/pull, and also the deep cut of growth and rebirth that's taking place.