Personal Dark Night of the Soul

 It's been years since I have written online. My original blog (http://soulfullynourished.blogspot.com) was something for years I enjoyed writing and sharing on, I used to have a little following as I would always post things to my friends, family and peoples on social media. I had a really cool job consulting in the holistic world and had unique opportunities show up my way to share products and things - I really was grateful, and I still am, however life just looks very different all these years later. When I let a website and  email address that was connected to my original blog go I didn't realize at the time I forgot my blog information and *poof*.... just like that you lose access. It doesn't matter how much proving, asking, investigating, sleuthing, email writing, begging, and on and on you do. Thats it. Gone. So, in all honesty, I spent quite some time pouting and crying, upset and devastated about this loss of an online journal that I was really proud of, took strength to do, and I felt good about. Then, I woke up this morning, June 25, 2022 after a dark night of the soul, made myself a cup of rosehip tea (because I'm feeling yucky and need the vitamin C boost), picked up a book that my incredible Mom gifted me a few years back (Only Love Today by Rachel Mary Stafford) and something about her writing has always touched my heart. Today, page 92/93: "Had I chosen to keep my experience to myself because of potential flaws or my fear of judgment, these critical human connections and life-saving actions wouldn't have happened. In that moment, my life's window opened wide. The light left nothing hidden. What was revealed was far from perfect, but it was not unsightly; it was beautiful because it invited others to bravely open their windows too."

I have been feeling since December of 2021, like my life has just been a mess. I'm not exactly sure what happened by my birthday in November of 2021 prompted this huge urge inside of me to talk to my amazing husband about the possibility of baby no.3. Every single part of me was desiring another child and moving into the light and freedom and choice of my own body autonomy that the last few years had felt burdened down by needed to express, in the physical form, of another little child. After many conversations, logistically working it out (because all us parents know how much you can work out another child <insert laughing/crying face emoji>) and dreaming, our little bundle manifested, quickly and I have been more or less sick ever since. I think I had maybe 7 weeks initially where I felt ok, and then it hit. It was all day, all night, full force nausea that didn't leave until into my second trimester, then I was hit with some kind of bug that left be bed ridden for days leading up, and eventually requiring IV fluids and at-home midwife nursing care, as well as from the family. Since then, I've now been working through something going on with the lungs, almost near constant heartburn, and what feels like a cloud, covering the sun, inside of me. I'm not sure what I want to label it, or if I even do (right now I don't really) but I have been sad. Deeply, deeply sad. I feel like I live so many days in a place of overwhelm and shadow. I have so much to be thankful for and yet this darkness clouds over me and I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. And yet, I also don't really mean that either. I'm just balancing a lot, and I have had a real eyeopening year to what its like to more or less have something physically going on, non-stop (my heart has opened wide to empathy for what living with a chronic illness must be like), to be pulled and stretched to my limit with two children, whom have never had outside of the home care - including schooling for the last 3 years. Again, Im so blessed, so grateful and I know I am capable, but mentally, right now I am not on the top of my game, I am struggling and I am feeling, a lot. Sometimes, okay, many times, I sit on our bed and cry until I am empty of tears, massive swollen eyes, and pouting head, and then go wash my face, put on some lipgloss and a fake smile and pretend that everything is okay when I leave the room. The real fact is, this last week was hard. A close friend of mine suddenly lost her Mum to breast cancer, she was diagnosed May 2022, and left body not even 3 weeks later. My heart, soul and deepest of feelings has felt from this experience she is going through. I am so grateful for her sharing and her vulnerability and I hurt for her because I cannot imagine a day without my Mom, and yet in my own dark night of the soul I sometimes forget how lucky I am. Pity parties and inner sadness is an incredibly interesting experience to walk through. Its so multi-facated and it draws me back to the recognition how being a human is just hard. Im also left with the sole responsibility of supporting my Dad, who has been in a care home for 11 long years, after a lifetime of heavy drinking and major denial, his body had a brain bleed stroke and he's not been the same since. As amazing as it is to have him here, he is child-like in many ways, and its added stress, pressure and worry for me in this lifetime. I don't want to speak for my siblings but they have essentially cut Dad out of their lives, for whatever reasons they feel is justified, and its really sad and painful for everyone involved. Addiction is really painful for everyone in a family and ignoring it, or pushing it away, or resisting doing your own work in the family unit also contributes to the layers of pain involved. Its disappointing and heartbreaking in its own ways also. This has been hard to walk through. 

Two children, and another one on the way also has its "stuff'. We also have two dogs in the house, which require attention and care, both of us work - I see clients when hubby isn't working, we manage a home and most of the cooking of meals - just even getting groceries these days is hard for me, so I am relying on more stretch from my partner, we choose to raise our children without dayhomes, daycare or government schools - and this also is a role that takes time, focus and attention. Its rewarding, but its also hard, and requires stretch. It also opens one up to criticism, family commentary and teaching indoctrinated individuals to be able to think outside the box to what education can be. 

This post is feeling like a bit of a rant or a thought dump, but in my decision to blog again, was really for me. As a person who has been social media free almost 3 years, unless I see someone face to face or connected through text now and then, I am not up-to-date with whats going on with others, and vice versa. The decision to get off social media wasn't totally mine, it was more or less situational (and I will share about this at some point) but the decision to stay off of it, and not participate through the many layers of temptation for the last few years has been all me, and I am very proud of myself for this. It's had many faces to work through. Regardless, this blogs intention, is more of less to online journal, as I miss being on a device. I like to share, and process, and I am okay with sharing my mess as a part of the message. I am willing to bravely open my window. 

Last night, I went to bed, sobbing. I was in the midst of a personal dark night of the soul and the only coping mechanism I could think of, was to make myself go to sleep and hope to wake up with some semblance of clarity. Im struggling with my body right now, and all that drama that comes with it, the amount of 'stuff' I feel is all over our home, garage and yard, balancing of all the roles required, the individual needs of all these beings, and also trying to remember I have my own. I think the only way through is, basically at this point, is going to be putting one foot in front of the other and making small incremental steps in the intention of having more peace and sanity. One vitamin at a time, one choice to let something go, one little walk alone around the block, one breath of patience when I want to scream. 

Wisdom sharing from my Mama: 

"Why do you continue to refer to your life as a mess??? You're in a phase of life that is demanding on many levels .... 

God created a beautiful, smart, wise, kind, thoughtful, strong woman in you. I believe in you. 

So much of our lives is a personal spiritual journey of discovery and growth ... the hardest things we go through in life teaches us the most. We must learn not to fight and resist those difficult things but ask what I need to learn from it ... God is with us always ... every step of the way ... giving us what we need ... strength, wisdom, when we ask Him. When things seem impossible, he says, I'm possible. I'm with you. You are not alone. You are loved." 

ox

C