Talking too much

Sometimes I think I talk too much. And, I am not totally sure what thats about. It's really something I would like to adjust.... a goal I want to work on, and something I want to model better to our children. 

I have listened to podcasts, read books, participated in therapy, chatted with friends, read blogs, YouTube videos and and and all about talking too much and there are some common 'reasons' why someone does it, and it spins me out almost every single time. 'People who talk to much have anxiety', 'People who talk to much are trying to avoid dealing with their real issues', 'People who talk to much have low self esteem', 'People who talk to much have no established a clear limit between themselves and their surroundings' .... on and on and on and on - the story goes, and it spins me out, becoming critical and judgemental of myself and I feel embarrassed. 

I got to see an elderly client this afternoon, someone I care very much about, and who I have known for years and years, and I caught myself kinda chatting the whole time, about me, and life, and family, kids, pregnancy, etc - and I realized afterwards, I maybe didn't ask enough questions. In all fairness to myself, I think she was engaged in asking me questions and wanting me to talk as I know her day's, although full, aren't as exciting as at our house, as she lives alone, and has a slower day to day rhythm, however, that being said, because I care, I also want to listen. <Insert critical voice> 

When I slow down, and get quiet, and think - I realize that I could be better in so many ways, I feel like such a 1/2 adult most days its embarrassing. Am I too critical? judgemental? negative? unhappy? depressed? What the f*@! is wrong with me? Is there some chemical imbalance that has me focused on all the negativity? Am I not getting enough sleep? meditation? alone time? journalling? outlet? I feel like I could go on and on but whats changing besides this heaviness that seems to never escape. I feel like the last few years have jaded me (in a not so positive way) and I seem to look at so much of life with this negative spin and I can feel the life force energy evading my body. It's so gross. I am so tired of talking. Maybe I need a silent retreat? I know years and years ago this was on my bucket list. Now, with two kiddos, and another on the way - this feels like such a big feat to organize in order for something like this to happen. A quick google search tonight shows me that now there are online silent retreats available, some as low as $20. I can't help but giggle at the thought of an online silent retreat, and how this logically would work. Do I just turn off my microphone and camera when I need to ask family members to leave the room or quiet down? Then reactivate everything and act out that its all zen and aligned here? What a concept and definitely not something I have considered, however, I am not surprised this is an option - this morning I was looking to see what kinda day camps are available for children aged 3 and the first result that showed up was an online camp @ $57/week. Wow. Again, not at all something I would consider, I don't believe kids need screen time day camps - but again, this is just my own opinion. 

Even in my quiet time, my brain, or inner voice is always talking. Like its unbelievable really. 

God, please grant me the ability to soften, quiet and adjust. I believe I am capable of amazing things, and I ask for the courage, strength and tenderness to step into the person I believe I can be. 

Maybe a new motto I can try on:"Stop (talking) and smell the flowers"  lol

ox

C

PS. Just because I want to remember this; I was woken up this morning from a strange dream that basically went something like this: there was a girl running up a staircase that looked like a giant  flamingo, and there was only a handrail on the left side - it appeared that the other side was attached to the wall? Anyways, she came running up the stairs and gave me a strange look and smile - and as soon as she was at the last step she leaped up to the landing where I was. As I went to step on the stairs - they seemed to detach from the wall and it became apparent that my body had to balance to stairs in order to navigate. This was such a shock as expect stairs to 'hold us' and 'support us' and I recognized that I had no strength. I let them collapse under me and I was falling, and far. This woke me up startled. So tonight I decided to look at what the meaning of stairs collapsing, here are some of the results that came up (according to the website https://www.dreamsopedia.com)

"Dreaming of Stair and Collapse Stair in your dream signifies some emotional issue that must be confronted. You are becoming someone who you are ashamed of or someone who you longer recognized. You are ready to reveal or expose an aspect of yourself that you have been hiding. This dream is a symbol for feelings of desperation, depression, or insecurity. You are ready to face your problems head on. Stair in this dream is about how your compare yourself to others or how others perceive you. Perhaps you are expressing concerns about losing touch with someone around you. You are feeling isolated of left out in some situation. The dream is money and what little you have of it. You need to clean up your self-image.

Collapse in dream represents the need to be sheltered or protected from life’s problems. You are regressing into a period of time when you were safe and completely dependent. Whatever that person represents has no part in your own life anymore. Your dream states a reciprocal relationship where you need to give and receive nourishment. There are many depths to your personality. Collapse dream points at feelings of inferiority and ineffectiveness. You need to exhibit more qualities in some aspect of your life. You like to go against what everybody else says or does. This dream draws attention to your belief of fate. You are afraid what people might think. Dream about both “Stair” and “Collapse” sadly draws attention to the monotony and routine of your daily life. You are under severe intellectual stress. You are not getting enough rest. This dream is a portent for a lack of respect or taste. It is time to branch out and break out of the box. Dream about stairs collapsing symbolises a message conveyed to you via your subconscious. You are surrendering a significant aspect of yourself. Perhaps, it is time to make a new start. The dream indicates justice, authority and absolute power. You need to incorporate a quality that one of your friend has into yourself."