The tears just flow

 My brain is racing. It's 2:31am and I cannot sleep. I am all over the place. I'm contemplating everything and nothing all at the same time. I am in this ebb and flow of emotions and stories and thoughts and feelings and it's all too much. Laying in bed with my husband tonight, with a lovely snuggle and belly rub (with many kicks from the babe) ended with me tear streaked laying next to the soft and gentle rhythm of peaceful breathing. Goodness gracious I am so lucky for this beautiful man, the sharing we have, the conversations and dreams we discuss, our hurts, hopes, dreams .... the life we have created and what more we would like. It's such a gift. And yet, instead of being able to embrace the beautiful moment together, just us, the conversation moves to what we want from our future, and the goals for our family, hurts that we are processing from our individual family units and the struggles and changes we would like to see. The tears just flow and I am unable to find peace. Instead, I get out of bed to make myself a cup of tea, and I need some outlet to get this out of me. I have clients scheduled tomorrow morning, because I forgot to write down on the family calendar that we actually had family vacation time booked for this week. I feel guilty, upset, frustrated, and yet, also grateful and purposeful that I have clients who want to work with me. I *should* be in bed, sleeping, resting, rejuvenating. And yet, here I am, now 2:38am and I am typing away my sadness. Processing hurts and grievances and solving my world's problems, even though I know tomorrow I am going to be exhausted. Is it the multitude of vitamins I am taking right now thats keeping me up? Is it the email I read today about people hangover that has me spinning a tale? Is it the anxiety of an event I have agreed to attend Tuesday night? Is it the lonnnngggg list of things I want to get done thats weighing me down? Is it an old habit creeping back in - where I would stay up until the wee hours of the morning just because I enjoy getting things done in the dark and quiet? I could come up with a million and one reasons but the fact is, the tears just need to flow. I am sad. I can't exactly pinpoint it, but I'm sad. I am sad for my girlfriend and her family, who lost her Mom. I am sad for my family and the past hurts that resurfaced today in a text conversation with one of my siblings. I am sad for a family members marriage that I am always wondering if its healthy or not. I am sad for a family member and their aging pets. I am sad that today when I tried on bathing suits nothing comfortably fit my 7 month pregnant body (I mean really, what did I expect?). I am sad for the complicity of people and their inability to critically think and see the madness unfolding in front of us all. I am sad that we live in a country where basic human rights and freedoms have been abused and the average person doesn't seem to understand. I am sad that there isn't more self confidence in humans to be better and do whats right. I am sad that I feel alone and like I need to hide certain parts of this to be accepted. I am sad that I allow this to be acceptable to me. Again, the tears flow. 

All I can think of right now is the Serenity Prayer that we would recite in Al-Anon. The camaraderie we would share through our lived experience and the healing that would happen.  

I am so grateful for this prayer and the power it has given me. The pointed and direct wording is so incredibly powerful. I am going to sip this cup of rosehip tea and tidy my desk at 2:53am and let the tears flow. For I know there is a power to change what I can, and sometimes it is surrendering to the astounding power of emotion and the process that comes with it. 

ox

C