I want to soften, grow and evolve

I want to change and there are areas where I see growth, and yet so clearly I also see the things that keep pulling me back. My Dad has been calling a lot, random times, just to say hi. It's sweet and thoughtful, but having a conversation a few times a day, about nothing is challenging. I don't feel that Dad steps into his life and creates activities or daily habits that propel him forward, I catch myself on edge when I see his calls show up - wondering, is he drunk, medicated or slightly out of it? Is he going to listen to me when he asks a question? Why does he say "I'm sorry" 80000000x and behaviours don't change? The fact is, I think he is actually losing his mind in some ways, and his lifestyle is a huge factor. I don't claim to have all the answers, but in choosing to have a relationship with him I want some boundaries respected but I often feel perpetrated. Its just painful. And it's happened my entire life. I catch myself almost in this cycle of normalizing something that isn't and resentful when I take a step back. I feel exhausted no matter what choice is made. And I feel sad, sorry for and angry with all in the same batch. It's feels crazy making. Today, our daughter, who was reading a book, made herself available to chat with Grandpa for a few minutes, and I saw something in her that I so appreciated and offered me such a clear redirection. She's polite, but firm, she's to the point, yet gentle, and she's friendly but she's not going to stick around for an hour just because. I am so grateful for this little teacher and a window into a more loving perspective. I want more of this. So, how do we remain farsighted in relationships and situations where we have experienced such pain? How can we emphasize empathy in our interactions and leave feeling loving and kind? What needs to happen to heal whatever is hurt inside of me in order to be a living example to these children? 

I keep thinking about my girlfriend who lost her Mum to cancer recently, and how much a quick little phone call would mean to her, and yet, this opportunity has presented itself for me and I have frustrated feelings. Then, if there have been days or weeks I haven't heard from Dad, I have the same frustrated feelings. What needs to happen to build up my courage and love to soften and tenderize to someone who is important to me, and that time is limited, as it is for us all. I keep thinking about the birthday dinner invitation for tonight and the worry of showing up to see my siblings, their partners, children and then 20 other people, some whom I will know, others who I will not. Again, I catch myself feeling a lot of feelings and I am unsure. I am unsure about going to the pool this afternoon with our children to enjoy some family swimming time, all because I'm 7 months pregnant and my body is different. I feel frustrated with myself that all of these things seem to burden me down, when I have such gifts in front of me. I think because I have been feeling at a personal low for months now, physically, that I have less capactiy in general, and if I would have been flexing and exercising certain other muscles, spiritually, emotionally, etc, maybe I wouldn't find myself feeling so clouded over. The fact is, what's done is done, but how can I move forward with growth and momentum so that this type of depletion doesn't overtake again? Lots swirling around in my head and this isn't something thats going to work out instantly. 

God, please help me soften, become tender and patient, loving and considerate. A woman who is empathetic and kind. Help me to heal these past hurts and wounds so that I can move forward with others as a woman driven by love and thoughtfulness. Give me the courage to make better choices, moment by moment and to keep farsightedness in the minds eye in situations so there is evolving progression, from a place of love and empathy.

One day at a time .... 

ox

C