Bring Out What Is In

 Not too long ago, I read an email that was sent to my inbox from a mailing list. The publisher of the email is a psychologist here in Calgary, AB and I really like how she writes and what she has to say. She talked about being hungover, but from people. How after being around crowds of people, the realness of needing to decompress. I thought it was interesting and what she said kinda made feeling sense while reading it. Today, I found myself in a bit of a funk (seems to be a bit of a running theme for me these days, embarrassingly enough), I was kinda just not feeling it, and then my right glute started to hurt. I also think I may be used to disfunction in the household, in particular on Saturdays - which didn't cross my mind until near the end of the day. That, and normally I see clients Saturday's but this weekend was dedicated family time, projecting and getting things done. There were so many feel good things about today, and yet this people'd out, dragged down, glum, almost unhappy feeling has been clouding over me. Maybe I am depressed? Or am I just in a place of wanting more quiet, peace and less stuff. This whole week we have been managing, going through and organizing, letting go of, selling, etc - stuff. It's crazy how lucky we are and yet we don't see it, or is it because stuff is just a temporary feeling? Either way, I think all sides of this could be debated pretty thoroughly. I am also grieving, alongside with my friend, and also for my own losses. Clearly, the loss of a loved one doesn't compare, but I think that at some point, the reality of things compounds and it all just begins to weigh us down. I am realizing as the days go on, that my body is working differently this pregnancy - I do not have the gusto that I had with my other pregnancies, and I am sad. I LOVE the work that I do, the clients that I see and the relationships that have been created. There is something about my work that lights up my soul like nothing else. I think its because I have worked hard, dedicated a lot of time, energy, learning, money, thoughtfulness, extra study, and the list could go on. I love being a small business owner, and all that comes along with it. I feel extremely proud for the birth of our little salon and how I have kept it going, learning and growing along the way. I feel like maybe I am losing myself with this baby and I have a deep sadness over me. Either way, there is going to be growing pains but I didn't realize how the sneaky concept of expectation had really slid into my reality and I thought I could keep going. Again, embarrassing. Makes me wonder how I can have multiple children when clearly I am far from being a full adult. Embarrassing. And also, reading this, I realize how damn hard I am on myself. Also, embarrassing. 

Learning and growing. 

I pulled a card this afternoon: Bring Out What Is In

What is not ex-pressed is de-pressed. It seems the more we express, that is, bring out what is in, the more alive we are. The more we give voice to our pain in living, the less build-up we have between our soul and our way in the world. However, the more we depress, the more we push down and keep in, the smaller we become. The more we stuff between our heart and our daily experience, the more we have to work through to feel life directly. 

I also gave our son/sun a box with some beautiful child friendly cards - and he pulled out what looks like a Joker. Turns out, according to the reference book, it is Jack of Spades: Caution. Potential. 

Lots to pounder.   

ox

C